Lately I’m engrossed with this idea of what it truly means to come to the end of myself. There’s a song I love called “O Come to the Altar” by Elevation Worship. It starts off by asking these questions. Are you hurting and broken within? Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin? Have you come to the end of yourself? Do you thirst for a drink from the well? And then it reminds us of one precious fact, Jesus is calling. O Come to the Altar
I’ve come to the realization for myself that there’s more to depending on God than simply praying and asking for his help. I’ve gotten that part mastered. We’re good there. But what about waiting for God to act? I can’t quite grasp that concept. It’s like I HAVE to do something to help. I can’t just sit back and do absolutely nothing. I need to try to figure out. This isn’t in an attempt to override God in any way. I’m just doing what I’m used to doing…figuring it out.
So I’m having this tug of war with God. “Having” as in I still haven’t arrived yet. I’m still in the midst of this season where I’m trying to learn what true surrender, dependence and trust in God looks like. So in my quiet time yesterday I googled “why should I trust God?” The article I ran across was basically like ummmm why SHOULDN’T you trust God. Haha. That’s cool and all but it’s not that simple in my mind. And it’s also not that I’m trying not to trust God. I typically think I am trusting him until he opens my eyes to truly allow me to see the depths of my wretched heart. Then I get so frustrated because I’m like God this is just who I am. If what you’re calling me to requires me to be some meek little quiet girl who just does nothing I’m sorry but you’re going to have to find someone else. (Who do I think I am talking to God that way, right?) But that’s the truth. I’m like God I CANNOT CHANGE. THIS IS JUST WHO I AM!! I figure out solutions and I go after what needs to be done. *folds arms*
What I am now starting to realize is that I’m absolutely right. I can’t change. This is who I am. Ironically that’s what God wants me to see as well. Shell, YOU can’t change. Your sinful nature will win every time when you’re trying to go about your solutions in and of your own strength. Then there’s the aha moment. Ooooooooh that makes so much sense!! So what God wants is for my faith to have deep roots in him. Theres no room for deep roots when I am the one continually trying to do the planting and the reaping. God wants to show me who he truly is by working out the circumstances I keep trying to control His way. He wants me to truly be the type of tree that Jeremiah speaks of in chapter 17: 7-8
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.
This passage says that the roots reach deep into the water. They aren’t just near the water or simply submerged in water but they reach deep. And we see the result of that. Because of that they simply aren’t bothered and produce fruit. I’m constantly bothered so clearly I’m not there. But this is the place God wants me in. A place in which my roots are so deep in him, a trust so deep, a faith so solid that I’m unbothered. Not because the heat doesn’t come or because the drought doesn’t come. This scripture is clear that those things will come, however my response to those things must come from the deep roots in an omniscient God who sees all, knows all, whose thoughts are not my thoughts and whose ways are not ways.
Easier said than done, but this is my goal in my spiritual walk right now. I want God to really teach me what it means to come to the end of myself. God please show me how not to self correct but to truly be dependent upon you in all things. Create a deep reverence and fear of you within that I dare not move without your go ahead because I trust you with every fiber of being and know that even when I may not necessarily agree or understand that you’re a good good Father who knows what’s best and has my best interest at heart. When I don’t understand help me to be reminded that your goal is to always bring me closer to you and pour out more of your Spirit on me and my trying to control things only hinders that. Please help me to be at your feet as a faithful servant so grateful for the opportunity to be able to serve such a magnificent King.
Thank you God for the resurrected King that continue to resurrect me.
Yours in Christ,