I did a getaway this weekend (Dec 22nd). I needed to clear my head and truly seek God on some major decisions. The week leading up to my getaway a close friend shared a song with me that really resonated with her. She thought it would resonate with me as well. It’s a song called Threads, by David Leonard. Check it out at the end of this post. He sings of letting God pull the threads until his heart unravels into God’s. He sings of being ready to fall apart. He sings of God seeing him as he is and still wanting him, baggage and all.
I’m ready to fall apart. I’m ready to fall into your loving arms.
– David Leonard, “Threads”
2019 began the unraveling process for me. The love stories closest to me unraveled. Friendships unraveled. Change was inevitable. I didn’t want to unravel. I wanted everything to be okay. It’s been hard to face the reality that relationships as I know them were changing right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to keep them together. Offer advice. Fight for the relationships. Check all the boxes that I knew to be “right” and wait for things to get better. Eventually a phone call will come through that says things are looking up, right? A text message that says things have taken a turn for the better. Praise God.
But those texts and phone calls never came. The stories continued to progress and not in a direction I wanted. Things continued to unravel. It’s okay. Just continue to wait. Eventually the plot changes.
Right?
Disappointment. Regret. Confusion. Frustration. Unanswered questions. Internal conflict.
When will this season end?
It hasn’t yet, but I have seen a beacon of hope. In the midst of such a time of everything unraveling in my life God put one major piece back together for me. Receiving an answer that I had longed for for years during a time that everything else that I thought to be true fell apart reminded me of a promise of God’s.
In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord. If I cause you the pain, I will not stop you from giving birth to your new nation says your God.
Isaiah 66:9 NCV
2019 was the start of the unraveling. 2020 will be God writing the greatest love story ever written – for me, with him at the center. Through my situations I see how God is making new some old situations that have been plagued for generations. I see restoration. I see deliverance. I see newness. I see oneness with him. The unraveling hurts. The pain is inexplicable. I mentioned to friends a few times in 2019 that my life was a movie. A crazy, spiritual battle being played out so clearly in the natural that I just wanted to hide and not be in the middle of it. But I am reminded that God already has the victory. I was searching for signs that were there all along. Go left or go right is what I was looking for. Instead God simply said, “Trust me.”
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of losing people close to me. I’m afraid of everything about my life being different from what I know it to be today. I’m afraid of how things can be perceived. I’m afraid of being alone on this journey. I’m afraid that I’ll miss God and make a wrong turn. But, I’m reminded that God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Tim 1:7).
I’m not sure what’s next. And it’s not like me to not know what’s next or not have a plan. But I am looking forward to the adventure with God.
He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
Mark 14:35-36
To God be the Glory. Here’s to 2020.
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